20081219

Eternity

Lying in bed, we're holding each other when I say, "if we were a more traditional couple, I would tell you that I want you to be my wife, or I want you to be the mother of my children. Of course, we aren't a traditional couple, but what those things represent, the idea of eternity, I want that with you."

In a novel, I would go on to say that we fall asleep like that, in each other's arms, but we don't. We eventually roll over, each to our sides of the bed, and fall asleep, our feet barely touching under the sheets.

When I wake up, the room is still dark and I'm crying from a nightmare. She too wakes up and holds me. Telling me over and over that everything is good and that she loves me. My breathing slows down. My eyes eventually close. And again, I fall asleep.

20081213

Twenty ejaculations

No sex for five days or until you feel up to it, whichever comes last. This I can understand, the lightest touch against my testicles felt like someone hanging on for dear life well past the five day mark.

The first few times you ejaculate, do not be surprised to see some blood. In my lighter moods, I picture this as white puddles with streaks of red running through. In my darker moods, I picture large blood clots that rip and tear as they get pumped out of my body, adding to the blood that comes out in the end. My partner insists it won't be like that. She insists that it will mix in the prostate, such that what comes out will be neither white nor red, but rather a rosé. Like a pasta sauce.

In two or three months, or twenty ejaculations, the reservoir build up of sperm in the prostate will be extinguished and you will truly be infertile. Of course, it's only twenty if you space them out properly, going for twenty in one day would be no different than going for two over the course of two days.

That first time you ejaculate, alone, because who wants that rosé sauce inside them, you're watching your penis intently. The porn playing in the background? It might as well be strictly audio. When the red streaks or clots or rosé sauce comes spilling out, you want to see it. But when ejaculation number one is the usual white, all you can say is, so that's what five percent of my remaining sperm looks like.

20081206

Your bag

When you see smoke drifting by the doctor's face, you'll be glad that you requested that second shot of Xylocain. Because how you react to Xylocain, was not one of the questions they asked you.

They have a whole list of questions, just like boarding an airplane. Did you pack this bag yourself? Did you leave your bag unattended at any time? Are you fully aware of all the contents of your bag? Are you sure you want us to handle your bag? Are you sure you don't want your bag accessible in the carry-on section? Are you aware that putting your bag in our hands is permanent and in all likelihood irreversible? The answer to these questions, as with boarding an airplane, must be yes. Yes or they won't let you pull your trousers and underwear down to your calves as you lie down on the operating table.

The local anaesthetic is the same one your dentist uses. You know how in the dentist's office the last thing you want to feel is that drill bearing down on your teeth? Well, the last thing you want here is to feel the doctor cutting open your testicular sac. You don't want to feel the white hot instrument cauterizing your tubes. Because any reaction, any jerking back out of pain or fear, and you won't have to wait two months to find out if you're sterile.